Love is garbage
by Jansa
Summary: His name is Light.His parents started living in Moscow since he wasnt even born. He didnt find the notebook,he didnt meet Ryuk. He is never going to become a god.Or is it so?Or maybe fait isn't invincible?How come his love was left in the garbage?
1. Prologue

Prologue

I always tried my best to survive in this world. And come to death as a person with a pure heart and soul. I guess that wasn't meant to be. I lay here. My breathing is becoming a burden. My heart is tired of working so hard. I don't deserve life. I'll let my heart have a vacation…

* * *

4 months before…


	2. September

September 2009.

I was running away from the wind, yellow and red leaves. I was running away from the cold. From the sun behind the clouds. I was running away from this time of year. I hated autumn. It's not fair. At this time nature is drifting into a sleep. Dying in such a beautiful way, while a lot of people have their spring in their life. Why can't nature have spring always? to be forever young.

I loved a girl this summer. Actually, I don't know what love is. All I know that it's not pink and fuzzy. And you can't get drunk from it. Actually "Getting drunk from love "is a beautiful saying. It is used by poets, but that proves how little those poets know about love.

Every day of the summer I told myself that I loved her. And soon believed that I do. I was a fool. I made up things that didn't exist. But she was happy. And I was happy because I made a person happy. I'm ready to make anyone happy…

But this September she dumped me…And for what have I created a mirage of my love? We were both fooling each other…

I'm running bare foot through the streets of Moscow city. It's raining. I like the rain. I have my camera with me. It's so heavy. I tried to put it into the garbage for some time now. But the urge to make life a memory is too strong. Maybe I'll sell it...Or maybe not…

I ran into a bus. Still naked feet were covered with grass and leaves. Can't remember if I had run through a park…To obsessed with myself.

I'm tired.

In a few minutes a girl walked into the buss. She had that orange hair. She was so beautiful. Big eyes…And they never closed. They were watching everything. Everyone. Her feet were as naked as mine.

The bus started moving. She put her hand on the bars. I moved closer. She was looking at me now. I don't understand her eyes…I took my camera. Another memory. A picture of her…

That was all I could remember…

Then it was like a blur. We were kissing, walking through the night…To my home…kissing, she was all I wanted, all I needed, I couldn't let her go.

In the morning she was the first to wake up. She stood up. All naked. Walked to the door, opened it and there was a little homeless kitten, she kneeled down and fed it, her orange hair like fire burning, so messy and chaotic. So lovely. There was no one like her…

And she left. I searched every street, but she was like a shadow, I sensed her presence, but I couldn't see her. she was in my head. I can't find her anywhere, but when I do, I'll tell her how much I love her.

By the way, my name is Yagami Light. I'm not Russian, though all I've ever known in my life is this city; I work in a studio. And I'm lonely. I don't have parents; they died a long time ago. I'm 19 years old, people say that I'm handsome. But I don't really care.

I don't have a bad life; I don't need to complain to anyone about it. I complain to myself about myself. Actually I'm an egoistic, though I have an urge to make someone happy besides myself. I love myself. There's nothing I can do about it.

I thought about my feelings, maybe I don't really love her, I don't even know her, maybe it's just a foolish game again. And I hoped it was, because I was afraid…

I have a friend, we were like that since school. Her name is May but she…

Smokes more than Winston. Comes late if you invite her to your house. Doesn't ask questions. Doesn't ask for anything. You don't have to promise her that her dreams will come true. It's hard to hurt her, and even if you do, it'll last for only 5 minutes. She doesn't know how to be silent. I still don't understand what she can dream about. That cat that walks on its own. A fantastic lover, but a bad friend…But not for me. She said that I'm an exception…

I came to her today. Her dark hair was so long and straight. The brown eyes looked at me with curiosity.

"What do you want?"She said with a strong voice, May walked to me, looking straight into me, through me, she was so small, a head and a half shorter than me."You smell like the forest…"She said and took my hand.

We sat by the window, looking at the Moscow night. Drinking tea. It was dark in her apartment. Just as dark as she is…

Suddenly I heard May's voice in the silence.

"I love you ."And the smell of cigarettes filled the room. And the first time in my life I saw tears fill her cold eyes, and she was crying. so silent, hiding it, not looking at me. The reality of those words hit me a few minutes later. I embraced her, and we lay on the bed with open eyes, not saying a word. In the same position as we fell asleep, we woke up. But she was still asleep. I walked out of the room and out of her home. I felt horrible.

I didn't know even the name of the orange haired girl…But I felt love for her. For the first time love…

May was the only person I had in this world…But NO love!!!!

I felt a tear fall down on the dusty road. It wasn't fair again. The world isn't fair. I was silently screaming, when I came home my face expressed only flat pain and disappointment in life.

It's so easy to love only yourself. To never look at anyone else.

Help me…anyone…someone, please.


	3. October

October 2009.

May and I were still close friends, I don't understand how my life became such a burden in just a month

I was at her side almost every minute from my work.

We never kissed... She smoked, I got drunk. And we watched at the people running by the house, cars moving from right to left and from left to right. We talked about everything we knew. And it was so easy to be with her as a friend. And I was truly sorry that I couldn't give her more.

She understood that too. She didn't cry anymore. She cherished every moment with me. She didn't ask for anything.

That October was going by so slow but every evening with her was unique. And I can't live withought her. And still I felt the photo of that fire-like woman in my pocket.

I swore myself that I'll never let May go…Her name was like the spring, and she was so young and strong, stronger than me, I needed her strength.

Shit! I swear I just saw that red headed demon walk along the street...No-no-no-no, I'm losing my mind, and these hallucinations are making me crazy!! I can't look at the fire, I can't see red color, or I'll lose my head. I bought some medicine; I have a severe headache, oh my god. This is madness; these painkillers make me feel a bit better. I don't go anywhere from my apartment. I don't come to my studio anymore. I lost my work; I lost my courage, my mind, my faith. I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!

I should be obsessed with me. Me. Only me. Or May and me, but still me…. Who the heck is this girl, this sensation?

More pills, more pain, medicine, nightmares, illness, darkness, splinters, rare any light in my soul… Where are the windows to my soul? Where is the light…I'm the light. I'm Yagami Light.

I have to calm down, to get out of my bed; May's going to get here soon. Calm down…Yeah, that's better.

Sometimes, when I get a little overdosed with painkillers, I have a strange feeling that I've come into this world to be a god, and not to get stuffed with stupid medicine, for my lungs not to be filled with poison, such as nicotine… I need to change, I need to forget .

A week passed …

Nothing changed.

I'm still dyeing from my useless love. I'm useless.

So many times I promised myself to get up, to get outside, to make May happy. To stop crying. Because when I'm crying, she's crying too. She's trying to feed me, not only with her home food, but with her love, with her dreams, her unfulfilled dreams, she's so young, she's like a flower. She's only here for me. For such shit like me. I stopped going to church. I'm afraid to look anyone in the eye. And here I am, sitting in the corner of my room. It's time to feel myself alive. I'm getting paranoid .

Do I have a destiny?

I realized who I am. I have no goals to achieve, I have nothing to do in this life, I failed to be happy, I failed to make anyone happy. I'm a looser. I'm cruel. I'm a crybaby when May is way stronger than me. I hope so though, sometimes she cries so much that I cant stop her, poor child, and I am a child. A stupid child.


End file.
